5 years ago today i made my own version of EHS's "frito pie" for the first time. it's documented in my livejournal.

i should go to sleep. i was tired when i got home an hour ago. but then i stayed up.

time warner is coming tomorrow (today) at 8am to install an internet line so i have some form of internet that doesn't go down every 15 minutes.

i am very close to falling asleep so i apologize if my sentences aren't coherent. i won't feel bad if i fall asleep typing this, but there were two times i was really bummed i didn't stay awake:
1) i was having some great conversations on aim one night in high school, and happened to fall asleep in the computer chair. i woke up the next morning thoroughly confused.
2) i stayed up all night the evening before the saved by the bell finale. as the following day wore on, i was so worried i'd miss it that i debated taping it (you know, on vhs). but right before it was on i realized i was awake enough to watch live. i fell asleep at the commercial break immediately preceding the broadcast.

man, my children may never watch a vhs tape. okay they probably will. but their children may not.

on an unrelated note: everyone has their own personal happiness; we can't/shouldn't judge each other by happiness standards that are solely our own.

"It's not whether we believe in gods but how we treat each other that says the most about our character."

okay, going to go pass out.. good thing the saved by the bell finale isn't on.

been reading through entries on my old website from periodically (trying to get from start to finish).. i went through a couple weeks of posts the other night... it made me miss doing more regular updates. but at the same time, daily was just a bad idea for me -- too much 'heat of the moment' venting. i like to think i've become less moody and more stable in general over the years. i don't think i had emotional issues, but i was a teenager and clearly exuded that fact in the "things are amazing/things are awful" swinging nature of my daily updates.

anyway, here's a little blast from the past... don't know why but this post from 5/12/2003 stuck out at me:

i missed my year-end wrap up post. what a bummer.

i think i may have had a better chance of writing one had i not gone through a brief late-night quarter-life crisis at the end of december. okay, it really wasn't that severe but after trying to come up with a wedding guest list, i started going through facebook friends and removing a few. well a few became a bunch, and a bunch became a lot, and long story short, i deactivated my facebook account. only temporarily, i'm sure.

i think what brought me to a breaking point was my self-reflective attempt to define what a facebook friend really should be. first i got rid of people i wouldn't be able to name out of a line up. then people i've never had a verbal exchange with. not too over the top, right? then my criteria narrowed to someone i would greet if i ran into them in a public place. then someone i thought i may call to see how they are doing if we went without talking for some time.

and that brought me to the question of the effect of the facebook on me in general. in some cases, friends of mine have used facebook to expand their social horizons and become closer to more people than they otherwise would have known.i guess in my case it overall has made me feel less close to some people. it comes down to the fact that facebook doesn't do anything for me in regard to people i'm close with already, as i talk to them often enough not to not need to read their updates. but the people i don't talk to enough.. well, i can just read their facebook updates so i never think to call them and catch up. the fact is, without facebook i feel like i would have made more of an effort to stay friends with those i lost touch with. and i know, that's kind of a cop-out, and i ultimately i can't blame a website for my communicatory shortcomings. still i find it personally ironic that a site centered around one's personal relationships seems like it's inhibiting some of mine.

i guess at the true center of my whole question on 'what is a facebook friend' is the question of 'what is a friend' in general.that's a question i seem to occasionally revisit year after year. i'm not going to indulge in a long-winded rant that won't be read by anyone, including my future self... but suffice it to say that outside of a few people that i manage to stay friends with regardless of frequency of contact, i find myself wondering which friends i'll manage to keep as i get older.

this really isn't what i meant for this post to be about. but oh well... things don't always go as planned. more upbeat/fun post to come later. unless i slack off again. which i probably will!

Whew, almost went the whole year of '09 without updating. That would have been a travesty.

Though I don't have much to talk about with routine updates (especially since there's not quite an audience for them), I wanted to write an end-of-the-year wrapup post so I can come back and read it in the future.

So what happened this year?

Well probably the biggest change is that on April 7th, Angela and I moved into our house. We looked at a ton of places before finally finding the one that we'd eventually call our own. And I can honestly say that there hasn't been a SINGLE moment that I've wished we didn't move in together. What they say is true: when it's right, it's right. As for the house, there's a lot that needs to be done in around here in 2010, but at least we're settled in.. and the day-to-day living here totally feels like 'home'.

Let's see, what else. Oh! Marie, Amos, and Dean have moved back to the states for a few years. Although I've never been the best brother as far as seeing my sisters, I really do like having them around. The family as a whole feels closer to me now that we're all within a 20 mile radius of each other. And Dean is proving to be quite smart, and quite adorable.

As far as pop culture goes, the biggest event that affected me personally was Michael Jackson's death in June. I was standing in my kitchen and Angela got a text message (or maybe a call) from her Mom saying he had died. So I immediately turned on CNN and saw that he had collapsed. We told Ang's mom that the death rumors were an exaggeration. However, just a short while later, it became official. I was really bummed out for awhile, and it affected me more than most of the people around me. I guess he was just a big part of my childhood, and as melodramatic as it sounds, I felt like a part of me died as well. Later there was a link on kisrael.com to this comic, which comes closest to describing why I felt the way I did: http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=06282009

Regarding personal engagements with fads, I not only joined Netflix (and went on a movie-rating frenzy on their site with over 1150 rated), but I also got an Xbox. I don't play any of the expensive games you buy at the store, but I love it for its arcade games and additional features (Netflix, 1 vs 100, last.fm, Zune marketplace). And probably my biggest fad obsession has been with the iPod touch Angela got me for Christmas. I've been downloading apps and playing around with it nonstop. Sometimes I forget it can play music too :D

R&R-wise, I took 5 trips this year (not including going to Ikea to get all our furniture!). Two bed-and-breakfasts (Valentine's/Anniversary -- both excellent), NYC for Ang's birthday/the 4th of July, Gencon (best one yet), and Vegas with my folks. I think 2009 ranks officially as the mosts trips for me in a calendar year. But I figure you might as well enjoy the trips when you're young than wait too long til you may not get to everywhere you want to go!

In a few late '09 developments:
- I started reading again. Angela's mom got me a book called Freakonomics for Christmas and I've read over half of it in the past couple days. I used to love reading but eventually got preoccupied with the efficiency of TV/movies regarding fiction, and I hadn't really read anything since college. However, I think non-fiction may be the way for me to go, and hopefully I'll continue more in '10.
- The beard challenge started (and effectively ended) on the first day of Winter, December 21st. It's my personal goal to keep the creepitude going til the first day of Spring... but we'll see how long I can manage.


New movies seen in theatres in 2009:
5 stars (Loved):
- (500) Days of Summer
- 2012
- Star Trek
- Watchmen

4 stars (Really liked):
- Avatar
- The Blind Side
- Capitalism: A Love Story
- District 9
- Everybody's Fine
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
- I Love You, Man
- Paul Blart: Mall Cop
- The Proposal
- Taken
- This Is It
- The Time Traveler's Wife
- Up
- X-men Origins: Wolverine
- Yes Man (released in '08, seen in '09)

3 stars (Liked):
- 9
- Adam
- Angels & Demons
- Couples Retreat
- Final Destination 4: 3D
- Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
- The Hangover
- He's Just Not That Into You
- The Invention of Lying
- It's Complicated
- The Men Who Stare at Goats
- Monsters Vs. Aliens
- Surrogates
- The Ugly Truth
- Up in the Air

2 stars (Didn't like):
- Funny People
- Knowing
- Marley & Me (released in '08, seen in '09)
- Old Dogs
- Where the Wild Things Are

1 star (Hated):
- Year One


From movies to TV: I believe I've only added three shows to my list of regulars: V, Flash Forward, and Stargate Universe. I've taken Stargate Atlantis, Monk, and Battlestar Galactica off my list as they have all aired their final episodes.

In music news, my favorite albums of '09 include:
- The Fame by Lady GaGa (okay I think it technically came out last year but I just got it this year)
- Brand New Eyes by Paramore
- Far by Regina Spektor
- I Dreamed a Dream by Susan Boyle (yes, really)
- Strict Joy by The Swell Season
- Ursa Major by Third Eye Blind (though to put it cliche-ly, it's nothing compared to their old stuff)
- And I'm sure Taylor Swift's album would make my list if I downloaded it :D


Love-life wise, no complaints there. I believe 2009 marks the first full calendar year I've been in a relationship without interruption. And I wouldn't change a thing. i'm going to sum things up with this quote that i've recently posted on FB: "Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest things in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one." - Marshall from HIMYM. p.s. by this definition, she's the one :P

And I think that's it. Oh! I also got a cat. Technically it was Angela who made the decision to bring Marty into our lives, but I am very glad she did because he's exactly the kind of cat I had wanted. He's a little rambunctious (I think that's the first time I've ever typed that word) but I think he'll settle down with time.

So farewell '09, we'll see you in a hundred years. Assuming we haven't blown ourselves to smithereens yet (again, first time typing that).

autumn is such a beautiful season. it hasn't really felt like fall here until today. the leaves seemed to really want to hold on this year, like they were afraid to change color and let go. but this morning i realized there was a sea of orange and red surrounding my car.. and as i noticed that familiar 'crunch' beneath my feet, i realized autumn had finally arrived.

speaking of change, three days ago barack obama was elected president. and i have never been more proud to be an american in my life. now i know, he was a lot of talk in the primaries. and i have heard a number of people express their concerns and doubts about his ability to bring REAL, POSITIVE change. and you know, i can't say i'm 100% sure it's going to happen either. but there's no doubt that he has inspired so many americans to want to work toward that change. and i am one of them. i believe in a better future for america. a more ideal country. and obviously there are a lot of issues in this country, a lot of people who are stuck on the past or who will never be able to be part of that 'ideal future'. but with each generation, we're getting closer. and i'm eager to see where the next 4 years take us.

hmm what else... ohh last friday was halloween, one of my favorite holidays. i think one of these years i'm going to try to dig up a picture of me every halloween just to keep track of all the costumes i've worn. as for this year, i decided to go with edward scissorhands... and it turned out pretty well. in case you haven't seen the pics on facebook, here's a close-up shot:



hmm that reminds me, i used to see at least 1 movie in theatres every week. now i'm lucky if i see 1 a month. and sure part of it is the movie selection... but part of it is just the lack of a steady movie-going set of friends. i think the problem is that people are biased to only seeing movies they expect to be GOOD. but come on, bad movies need some lovin' too.

now that i think about it, i'm feeling out of touch with some of my friends. and i don't like it. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy with a lot of aspects of my life, and i wouldn't change those... but i just want to make sure any period of out-of-touchness is short-lived! and i'm sure it will be. i just don't want to see anything go to the wayside.. let alone have it be my fault.

what else is new? ohh!!! how could i forget! my sister and her husband are home from africa, and i finally got to meet my favorite little nephew.. and it's so weird yet so wonderful (although it may not seem like it) to hear the sounds of a baby in my house morning, noon, and night. i was the youngest so i never really had that... and sure i've been around babies before, but never one so closely related to me :D and if there was ever any doubt before now, i definitely want to have kids someday.

and yes, my nephew is half black. and the idea that anyone in the world would love him less because of that makes me flat out angry and disgusted. and obviously some people are racist and there's not really anything i can do about that... but i can't even comprehend how anyone could possibly have hatred for a baby, regardless of its skin color.

annnyyywayyy... i can't believe it's already november. and though there are less than two months left in 2008, i have a lot to look forward to. probably the biggest thing i'm anticipating is going to chicago next weekend... after dating angela for a couple months, and spending time in our city with our friends and family, there's gonna be something nice about just getting away. someone once said "you never truly know a person until you go on a vacation with them". okay, i lied, no one ever said that. but still... things have been going so well so far, and i think a little time alone together will just further cement what we've been building so far. and i'm typically not an 'always' or 'never' person... but i'm finding more and more that when i think of her, those two words come to mind. but that's for another lj post entirely.

alright, that's all for now... but wow, this has been one of my more wordy entries. it's definitely longer than what i'm used to. that's what she said.

wow. where do i even begin.

i have learned so much about myself since i last posted here, i feel like this used to be someone else's journal. and it turns out i was wrong about a lot of things. and i find myself feeling flooded with so many emotions. and i'm not going to lie, it's all because of this totally unexpected but indescribably satisfying  relationship i've managed to get into. people joke about my feelings for her, and about how fast we got into this relationship... but i have felt more in the past couple months than i ever knew i could. and taking a step back and looking at the relationship i have now makes me feel even more.

it's a crazy cocktail of emotions... i feel happy, of course. i'm more than that, i'm elated, ecstatic, thrilled. and at the same i feel relieved... though i didn't even realize i needed relief. though that leaves me feeling guilty. guilty about my last relationship, guilty that i didn't really give of myself as i am now. i thought i didn't love her because i couldn't love.. but i was wrong. and i'm sorry. i realize that the past has shaped who i am now, and had it not been for everything i've gone though, maybe things wouldn't be working out like they are now.. but still.

and without a doubt, i want this relationship with angela to last. but if for whatever reason should it not, i know in my heart that i am so much better off now than i was before... no matter what comes in the future. and i now have such a better idea of what i truly want and need in a partner. i've experienced some relationships without enough substance, others without enough chemistry. and now i am finally building one with more than enough of both.

so the past 4 days or so have been awesome. i'm not really going to get into it all here, but let's just say they've been filled with good friends, good food, and good times. and i'm hoping there's more where that came from! ooh and as a bonus, i FINALLY got around to cleaning out all the old clothes i've been meaning to get rid of for ages.

i've felt very inspired lately, in more ways than one. after barack's speech last thursday, i got really pumped about politics. then after steve and i built that ladder golf set, i got really interested in putting our heads together to create things more often. and now after the labor day cookout, i want to have a lot more get togethers. and on top off all that, i feel like i've been kickstarted in trying to organize my life.. and i started yesterday with my closet.

and i suddenly feel like making a 'bucket list'. a few items i'll definitely put on that list: make a pizza from scratch, visit europe, dance in the moonlight.

oh! and i've really felt like reading lately.. for the first time in a LONG time. any suggestions? something not too long, not too commital. but clever.


"i love you sarah. for all eternity, i love you." - james k. polk's last words. for this i consider him the most romantic US president.


alright, back to work.

had a blast in niagara/toronto over the weekend. i really like it there... but you all should know that. pictures here: http://picasaweb.google.com/therosser/Canada2008.

i still have to see batman, maybe tonight. we'll have to see if it'll top iron man as my fav movie of '08.

i've been thinking a lot about pivotal moments in my life... what moments served to fundamentally change my life or my experiences. some felt like the happiest points in my life, others felt like the saddest... and then some just felt mundane, but turned out to mean more than i would have ever expected.

i guess i can trace back (blame) a lot of the issues i'm having now on one of those moments in particular. i've tried moving past it, but i guess i just ran out of ideas. i'm probably up to 57 emails started, unfinished, and unsent. i guess i feel scarred... but i know, i really shouldn't talk. so i won't.

man, when did i become so ambiguous/emo. i guess overall i am happy, i like my life, i don't really want anything more... though maybe i should.

moving on, my current top 5 favorite songs of all time:
5. damien rice - cannonball
4. goo goo dolls - iris
3. journey - don't stop believin'
2. third eye blind - motorcycle drive by
1. edwin mccain - i'll be

i found myself watching project runway yesterday. i didn't realize how entertaining watching people design clothing in a contest environment could be.

this entry is sub-par... maybe the next one will be better.


4 years. i've come so far and gotten nowhere.

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, til you're gone

---

(pretty sure some of these lyrics are wrong)

p.s. no, my new year's resolution wasn't to give up posting on my livejournal. i have just neglected it. gosh, i'm going to be a terrible parent.