i wonder what happened to all the moments i once considered memorable. i guess by definition they weren't memorable in the first place... or maybe they're just lying dormant in my mind, waiting for a few seconds before i die so they can flash before my eyes.

though, sometimes i wonder what my past self would say to me now. i'm sure depending on which "past self" the message would be quite different. i bet my first grade self would wonder why i'm not an astronaut, a cop, or a superhero.

my biggest fears:
(3) being a bad parent
(2) angry people
(1) bees

one thing i've always been bad at: rekindling lost friendships. i think about it often. and then do nothing. smooth.

right now, i'm not a fighter or a lover; i'm an indifferent who wishes he were one or the other.

there are about 330,000 jobs i could see myself being completely satisfied with, at least in the short-term. on that list: mailman, inventory auditor, lounge singer.

creation. destruction. creation. destruction. i heart i heart hucakbees.

also, rowan atkinson is superbly underrated.

today's top (bottom) story: i know in my heart what's right. i just don't know whether i should listen to my heart.

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, til you're gone

a little more than an hour before my wisdom teeth removal... i'm supposed to take a valium an hour before i go in to calm any anxiety i may have, but i'm feeling pretty calm already. one might think that after my last surgical experience, i'd be more nervous... but i dunno, i tend to trust doctors. part of it also might be that i'm a fan of medical practice in general. must be the whole "we're better than animals" thing.

anyway, moving on... i'm not sure why, but i love the phrase "i feel it in my bones". 

throughout the years my views and thoughts on life have changed, evolved, mutated... and lately, i've been thinking about life in terms of interpersonal connections. i feel like those connections are basically what i live for. that is, i have no problem spending time by myself, and i'm usually pretty good at keeping myself entertained. the thing is, i don't tend to get lonely, but i don't tend to WANT to be alone. does that make sense?

when i started college, i felt like my best/happiest days were behind me. then as the years went on, i started feeling like my best days were ahead of me; "i can't wait for...", "life will be great once i...", etc. but in the words of the brilliant scholars bill s. preston, esq., and ted 'theodore' logan, "the best place to be is here; the best time to be is now." [by the way, that's still one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time.]

speaking of movie quotes, i'll wrap things up with one of my favorite quotes from the movie 'sunshine':


"we are dust, nothing more.
unto this dust, we return."


thanks for watching... may every day be your best day yet.

third week in a row. what the heck is going on?

i got into bed, realized i wasn't tired, took out my computer, and the next thing i knew, it was past 1 and i was still taking the eharmony personality profile. i've taken it before, and it's not even like i want to meet someone, hell i probably won't end up logging in again. i guess i was just curious what the '29-dimension' test would say about me and what kind of people it would match me up with this time. i think it got me wrong, plus, just like last time, it matched me up with people who list 'horses' as their interests. i swear, either their magic dimensional engine is broken, or i'm destined to end up with a horse-lover.

sometimes i wonder if it will be tomorrow when i wake up. what if i wake up a few years from now? or perhaps a few years ago? what would i do? then again, maybe i've had too much quantum leap on the mind lately.

speaking of quantum leap, i've been watching nbc's journeyman the past couple weeks. not sure how i feel about it yet... but i'm a sucker for time travel. i've also been giving bionic woman a shot, though i'm guessing it will lose my interest. then again, i like to finish what i start, so i may be sucked in until the show's inevitable cancellation.

also, a much more pressing issue: why is it above 80 degrees in october?

on that note, i'm turning on the fan and going to sleep. i hope.

it seemed like fall arrived without notice a week ago. since then it must have figured out it was early and decided to lay low until it was time for its yearly debut. i always get really eager this time of year. fall is a very comfortable season for me... hooded sweatshirts, hot chocolate, brisk weather. it's a season that makes me feel alive.

hmm... speaking of being alive, i guess i've let this lj kind of die over the past few months. why haven't i written? i guess that's a question for you psychology majors out there to answer.

what have i done since my last update? well, i travelled a bit. new york, indianapolis, and toronto. the trips were all great in their own ways, though i do have one regret as far as my travels go: in toronto, some vegan homeless guy asked if we would go buy him a meal... instead, i gave him cash. it was the perfect opportunity to get to know someone new, and i let it pass right by me. i'm not one to live in regret, but it's smaller things like that that bum me out.

aside from my travels, i've been fairly involved in work. things there are going well... though occasionally some inner ethical concerns make me wonder if i'm cut out for the job. i mean, it's not like i'm killing kids, but sometimes i feel like i'm consciously working directly against my ideals. still, i suppose inner-conflict is good for the spirit.

in entertainment news, i saw quite a few good films the past several months. among them, i recommend sicko, hairspray, mr. bean's holiday,  stardust, and once. ooh, also, i saw damien rice in concert. good stuff.

hmm, what else? i'm in desperate need of a moment of clarity. don't get me wrong, life is good, i'm happy... but somehow i feel like its time for a realization. haven't had one of those in awhile.

i'm occasionally hit with these waves of feeling like i'm letting everyone down. but when these waves come, i don't tend to struggle for breath... i just embrace the feeling and let myself drown. [how's that for emo?] i guess it's sometimes easier to just do the wrong thing and not think about it than to do the right thing and face the consequences. and i suppose i'm the kind of person that takes the easy way out. 

but, now it's clearly getting late and when i read this in the morning, i'm going to be wondering what the hell i was talking about. still, i think it's good to just sit down and write every now and then, without reservation.

hmm, maybe that's why i haven't updated in awhile, i got in the habit of holding back in other areas of my life, so i held back from writing here as well. but, i should know by now that if you silence yourself for too long, you forget how to speak.


and on that note, i'm going to sleep.

• i've added the following to the list of shows i watch regularly: the 4400, justice league, the office.


• i went on a kickass road trip to the icy north... okay, it wasn't that icy. but it was still kickass.


• i switched from a standard toothbrush to an electric one... and my life will never be the same.


• moving on from the "happy holidays" trend of last year, this year's catch phrases include "i don't speak english", "both" (when answering any question), "false.", and various internet abbreviations (WTF, OMG, etc).


• i went the whole year without drinking soda (or 'pop' if you will). as for next year, i think i may go without candy... but i am a certified candy-holic so who knows if that will last.


• i found a solution to my insomnia problems... i couldn't sleep so i was watching infomercials, and i ended up buying this dumb "health secrets" book from one of them. anyway, the book suggested a simple solution of counting down from 100 to fall asleep. and it works like a charm!


• i recorded my first boy band single with matt at cedar point. what's that, you say? you haven't heard it? well check it out here.

• February 6 - "in my opinion the only thing that topped [frito pie] at EHS was the world-famous fiestada pizza. mmm... i swear, if someone can get me one of those things i would be able to die a happy man... they could even bury me in a hexagonal casket."


• May 5 - "and then there are the images, pictures of things in my mind that probably weren't as good as i remember, yet i can see them so vividly: cramming in a car to go to drive-in movies, covered in bugspray and armed with snacks; wandering around amusement parks dripping wet from water rides; grabbing an elephant ear and some cotton candy at the local fair; seeing a movie on a weeknight and leaving the theater to meet the warm night air... these are the things i hope to do every summer; sometimes i do, sometimes i don't... but this year i'm hoping extra hard."


• August 18 - "but i suppose every summer is good in its own right. as a whole, for me, summer is a time of change. it seems like these are the three months of the year where a lot of my interpersonal relationships change and restructure themselves... and i never end up where i started."


• September 21 - "do you ever have a day where you fall in love with everyone you see? you see someone and imagine what your life would be like if they were in it? and i'm not talking about in a creepy myspace kind of way. like, you see a person and think, 'i know nothing about this person walking past me.... but what if i did?'"


• October 3 - "sometimes when you win, you lose." [okay that's totally from What Dreams May Come, but it's a good quote (and a good movie!)]