"Now begins a torrent of words and a trickling of sense."

every day is ice cream and chocolate cake

2008-11-07T14:14:56Z

autumn is such a beautiful season. it hasn't really felt like fall here until today. the leaves seemed to really want to hold on this year, like they were afraid to change color and let go. but this morning i realized there was a sea of orange and red surrounding my car.. and as i noticed that familiar 'crunch' beneath my feet, i realized autumn had finally arrived.

speaking of change, three days ago barack obama was elected president. and i have never been more proud to be an american in my life. now i know, he was a lot of talk in the primaries. and i have heard a number of people express their concerns and doubts about his ability to bring REAL, POSITIVE change. and you know, i can't say i'm 100% sure it's going to happen either. but there's no doubt that he has inspired so many americans to want to work toward that change. and i am one of them. i believe in a better future for america. a more ideal country. and obviously there are a lot of issues in this country, a lot of people who are stuck on the past or who will never be able to be part of that 'ideal future'. but with each generation, we're getting closer. and i'm eager to see where the next 4 years take us.

hmm what else... ohh last friday was halloween, one of my favorite holidays. i think one of these years i'm going to try to dig up a picture of me every halloween just to keep track of all the costumes i've worn. as for this year, i decided to go with edward scissorhands... and it turned out pretty well. in case you haven't seen the pics on facebook, here's a close-up shot:

hmm that reminds me, i used to see at least 1 movie in theatres every week. now i'm lucky if i see 1 a month. and sure part of it is the movie selection... but part of it is just the lack of a steady movie-going set of friends. i think the problem is that people are biased to only seeing movies they expect to be GOOD. but come on, bad movies need some lovin' too.

now that i think about it, i'm feeling out of touch with some of my friends. and i don't like it. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy with a lot of aspects of my life, and i wouldn't change those... but i just want to make sure any period of out-of-touchness is short-lived! and i'm sure it will be. i just don't want to see anything go to the wayside.. let alone have it be my fault.

what else is new? ohh!!! how could i forget! my sister and her husband are home from africa, and i finally got to meet my favorite little nephew.. and it's so weird yet so wonderful (although it may not seem like it) to hear the sounds of a baby in my house morning, noon, and night. i was the youngest so i never really had that... and sure i've been around babies before, but never one so closely related to me :D and if there was ever any doubt before now, i definitely want to have kids someday.

and yes, my nephew is half black. and the idea that anyone in the world would love him less because of that makes me flat out angry and disgusted. and obviously some people are racist and there's not really anything i can do about that... but i can't even comprehend how anyone could possibly have hatred for a baby, regardless of its skin color.

annnyyywayyy... i can't believe it's already november. and though there are less than two months left in 2008, i have a lot to look forward to. probably the biggest thing i'm anticipating is going to chicago next weekend... after dating angela for a couple months, and spending time in our city with our friends and family, there's gonna be something nice about just getting away. someone once said "you never truly know a person until you go on a vacation with them". okay, i lied, no one ever said that. but still... things have been going so well so far, and i think a little time alone together will just further cement what we've been building so far. and i'm typically not an 'always' or 'never' person... but i'm finding more and more that when i think of her, those two words come to mind. but that's for another lj post entirely.

alright, that's all for now... but wow, this has been one of my more wordy entries. it's definitely longer than what i'm used to. that's what she said.

suddenly everything has changed

2008-10-20T02:20:57Z

wow. where do i even begin.

i have learned so much about myself since i last posted here, i feel like this used to be someone else's journal. and it turns out i was wrong about a lot of things. and i find myself feeling flooded with so many emotions. and i'm not going to lie, it's all because of this totally unexpected but indescribably satisfying relationship i've managed to get into. people joke about my feelings for her, and about how fast we got into this relationship... but i have felt more in the past couple months than i ever knew i could. and taking a step back and looking at the relationship i have now makes me feel even more.

it's a crazy cocktail of emotions... i feel happy, of course. i'm more than that, i'm elated, ecstatic, thrilled. and at the same i feel relieved... though i didn't even realize i needed relief. though that leaves me feeling guilty. guilty about my last relationship, guilty that i didn't really give of myself as i am now. i thought i didn't love her because i couldn't love.. but i was wrong. and i'm sorry. i realize that the past has shaped who i am now, and had it not been for everything i've gone though, maybe things wouldn't be working out like they are now.. but still.

and without a doubt, i want this relationship with angela to last. but if for whatever reason should it not, i know in my heart that i am so much better off now than i was before... no matter what comes in the future. and i now have such a better idea of what i truly want and need in a partner. i've experienced some relationships without enough substance, others without enough chemistry. and now i am finally building one with more than enough of both.

let me light your soul on fire

2008-09-03T13:52:14Z

so the past 4 days or so have been awesome. i'm not really going to get into it all here, but let's just say they've been filled with good friends, good food, and good times. and i'm hoping there's more where that came from! ooh and as a bonus, i FINALLY got around to cleaning out all the old clothes i've been meaning to get rid of for ages.

i've felt very inspired lately, in more ways than one. after barack's speech last thursday, i got really pumped about politics. then after steve and i built that ladder golf set, i got really interested in putting our heads together to create things more often. and now after the labor day cookout, i want to have a lot more get togethers. and on top off all that, i feel like i've been kickstarted in trying to organize my life.. and i started yesterday with my closet.

and i suddenly feel like making a 'bucket list'. a few items i'll definitely put on that list: make a pizza from scratch, visit europe, dance in the moonlight.

oh! and i've really felt like reading lately.. for the first time in a LONG time. any suggestions? something not too long, not too commital. but clever.

"i love you sarah. for all eternity, i love you." - james k. polk's last words. for this i consider him the most romantic US president.

alright, back to work.

my mind is too strong to carry on

2008-07-10T02:42:01Z

had a blast in niagara/toronto over the weekend. i really like it there... but you all should know that. pictures here: http://picasaweb.google.com/therosser/Canada2008.

i still have to see batman, maybe tonight. we'll have to see if it'll top iron man as my fav movie of '08.

i've been thinking a lot about pivotal moments in my life... what moments served to fundamentally change my life or my experiences. some felt like the happiest points in my life, others felt like the saddest... and then some just felt mundane, but turned out to mean more than i would have ever expected.

i guess i can trace back (blame) a lot of the issues i'm having now on one of those moments in particular. i've tried moving past it, but i guess i just ran out of ideas. i'm probably up to 57 emails started, unfinished, and unsent. i guess i feel scarred... but i know, i really shouldn't talk. so i won't.

man, when did i become so ambiguous/emo. i guess overall i am happy, i like my life, i don't really want anything more... though maybe i should.

moving on, my current top 5 favorite songs of all time:
5. damien rice - cannonball
4. goo goo dolls - iris
3. journey - don't stop believin'
2. third eye blind - motorcycle drive by
1. edwin mccain - i'll be

i found myself watching project runway yesterday. i didn't realize how entertaining watching people design clothing in a contest environment could be.

this entry is sub-par... maybe the next one will be better.

4 years. i've come so far and gotten nowhere.

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost

2008-07-01T01:56:15Z

i wonder what happened to all the moments i once considered memorable. i guess by definition they weren't memorable in the first place... or maybe they're just lying dormant in my mind, waiting for a few seconds before i die so they can flash before my eyes.

though, sometimes i wonder what my past self would say to me now. i'm sure depending on which "past self" the message would be quite different. i bet my first grade self would wonder why i'm not an astronaut, a cop, or a superhero.

my biggest fears:
(3) being a bad parent
(2) angry people
(1) bees

one thing i've always been bad at: rekindling lost friendships. i think about it often. and then do nothing. smooth.

right now, i'm not a fighter or a lover; i'm an indifferent who wishes he were one or the other.

there are about 330,000 jobs i could see myself being completely satisfied with, at least in the short-term. on that list: mailman, inventory auditor, lounge singer.

creation. destruction. creation. destruction. i heart i heart hucakbees.

also, rowan atkinson is superbly underrated.

today's top (bottom) story: i know in my heart what's right. i just don't know whether i should listen to my heart.

i'm not emo, i just like this song

2008-05-30T03:58:13Z

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, til you're gone

(pretty sure some of these lyrics are wrong)

p.s. no, my new year's resolution wasn't to give up posting on my livejournal. i have just neglected it. gosh, i'm going to be a terrible parent.

the more things change, the more they stay the same

2007-12-28T03:00:30Z

things change. sometimes it's gradual and you don't really notice. you're going through life, minding your own business, and then one day, it hits you: things are different. you can't quite put your finger on when it happened, and you aren't quite sure what caused it... but they're different.

...

then again, sometimes you think things change, only to realize they were that way all along, and now you're just seeing them more clearly.

more to say i suppose, but just not feeling self-indulgent at the moment.

merry christmas to all

2007-12-26T03:56:30Z

had an excellent holiday weekend... my family seemed less stressed overall then previous years, so that was nice.

other than that, it's been an interesting few weeks, a few unplanned/unexpected surprises. overall, life is good... though there are still a few people i'd like to reconnect with.

i've been trying to come up with something good to do for my new year's resolution... i want something that is fairly objective like 'no fast food', 'no soda', 'no candy', but not necessarily giving something up. [as opposed to 'try to be a better person', 'try to eat better', 'watch less tv', etc]. any ideas?

hmm, that's it for now, stay tuned for a more comprehensive end-of-the-year-update.

... and to all a good night.

make peace your resolution tonight

2007-11-16T04:27:45Z

my surgery went well last week, i'm almost back to normal now (well, as normal as i get, anyway).

i've had this line from some movie in my head off and on over the past couple weeks, where someone says "this is just stuff." i finally looked it up today and realized it's from 'american beauty'. unfortunately i couldn't find a youtube video, but the dialogue goes like this:

Carolyn: Lester. You're going to spill beer on the couch.
Lester: So what? It's just a couch.
Carolyn: This is a four thousand dollar sofa upholstered in Italian silk. This is not "just a couch."
Lester: It's just a couch!
*Lester stands and gestures toward all the things in the room.*
Lester (cont'd): This isn't life. This is just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.

when i was 7 years old, my family took a trip to universal studios, florida. we saw a lot of movie props, rode several rides, and even sat in the audience for a taping of 'double dare'. at one point, we rode the 'back to the future' ride, which basically consists of a delorean-shaped room mounted on pistons. when we left the ride, i whispered to my father, "hey dad... i don't think we actually went back in time! i think the car we were in just moved around on springs and they played a movie to make us think we were moving!" my dad replied, "shh! don't spoil the fun." there are few experiences in my childhood that i remember clearly, but none of them do i recall as vividly as the moment my imagination began to die.

speaking of movies and childhood...
my top 5 favorite/most-watched movies as a kid :
5. e.t.
4. the princess bride
3. the land before time
2. newsies
1. the brave little toaster

that's all for now... and in the words of doc brown from bttf III:
"[...] Your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one."

all straight lines circle sometime

2007-10-12T13:10:16Z

a little more than an hour before my wisdom teeth removal... i'm supposed to take a valium an hour before i go in to calm any anxiety i may have, but i'm feeling pretty calm already. one might think that after my last surgical experience, i'd be more nervous... but i dunno, i tend to trust doctors. part of it also might be that i'm a fan of medical practice in general. must be the whole "we're better than animals" thing.

anyway, moving on... i'm not sure why, but i love the phrase "i feel it in my bones".

throughout the years my views and thoughts on life have changed, evolved, mutated... and lately, i've been thinking about life in terms of interpersonal connections. i feel like those connections are basically what i live for. that is, i have no problem spending time by myself, and i'm usually pretty good at keeping myself entertained. the thing is, i don't tend to get lonely, but i don't tend to WANT to be alone. does that make sense?

when i started college, i felt like my best/happiest days were behind me. then as the years went on, i started feeling like my best days were ahead of me; "i can't wait for...", "life will be great once i...", etc. but in the words of the brilliant scholars bill s. preston, esq., and ted 'theodore' logan, "the best place to be is here; the best time to be is now." [by the way, that's still one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time.]

speaking of movie quotes, i'll wrap things up with one of my favorite quotes from the movie 'sunshine':

"we are dust, nothing more.
unto this dust, we return."

thanks for watching... may every day be your best day yet.

the city smoked from the attack

2007-10-11T18:34:41Z

nope, i'm not having trouble sleeping again... i just realized that i've enjoyed getting thoughts written down the past few thursday nights/friday mornings, so i think i'm going to make it a habit. well, as long as i still have things to say.

may be going on yet another trip this weekend. that'll make it 5 vacations this year... not too shabby.

40+ years until i retire... if i retire at 65, it will be 2049. wow.

Please take this quick survey to see if you're a good match to be my permanent life partner:

Question 1: Do you enjoy passionately singing along to Edwin McCain's 1998 hit single "I'll Be"?
(a) Yes
(b) No

This concludes the survey. For each (a), you score 1 point. For each (b), you score 0 points. If your total score is 1 point, congratulations, we're a match!

i'm in the mood for a deafening silence.

and now for something completely different:

Random Survey For the Bored

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

What is on your desktop wallpaper?

this comic.

What is your favorite zoo animal?

penguin

What was your favorite toy as a child?

my imagination

What food do you eat too much of?

chipotle

What kind of hairstyle do you have?

think dumb & dumber + mullet (i know, attractive.)

What was your favorite activity in gym class?

talking to larry in the weight room

What is on the shirt you're wearing right now?

brown and gold stripes (not as ugly as it sounds)

What is the picture nearest to you of?

say anything (the movie with john cusack)

What kind of salad dressing do you like?

none.. maybe a squirt of lemon

Whats your least favorite food?

mayo.

What do you do on a Sunday night?

work/watch tv

If you could only use one condiment on your food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

mustard

What color are your sheets?

white + blue (i know, boring)

How big is your computer display?

idk, maybe 15 inches

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?

my gray + blue sketchers

What is your favorite game?

it varies... right now i'll say balderdash

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?

mashed potatoes

What is your favorite pizza topping?

pepperoni + banana peppers

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?

not really a plan, but i tend to wake up around 7:45

What is your favorite day of the year?

october 31st

the air becomes thin,
shadows cling to streetwalkers,
color fades away.

i don't know you anymore

2007-10-05T06:23:20Z

third week in a row. what the heck is going on?

i got into bed, realized i wasn't tired, took out my computer, and the next thing i knew, it was past 1 and i was still taking the eharmony personality profile. i've taken it before, and it's not even like i want to meet someone, hell i probably won't end up logging in again. i guess i was just curious what the '29-dimension' test would say about me and what kind of people it would match me up with this time. i think it got me wrong, plus, just like last time, it matched me up with people who list 'horses' as their interests. i swear, either their magic dimensional engine is broken, or i'm destined to end up with a horse-lover.

sometimes i wonder if it will be tomorrow when i wake up. what if i wake up a few years from now? or perhaps a few years ago? what would i do? then again, maybe i've had too much quantum leap on the mind lately.

speaking of quantum leap, i've been watching nbc's journeyman the past couple weeks. not sure how i feel about it yet... but i'm a sucker for time travel. i've also been giving bionic woman a shot, though i'm guessing it will lose my interest. then again, i like to finish what i start, so i may be sucked in until the show's inevitable cancellation.

also, a much more pressing issue: why is it above 80 degrees in october?

on that note, i'm turning on the fan and going to sleep. i hope.

if you are chilly, here take my sweater.

2007-09-28T04:50:21Z

what's this? two updates a week apart? that's almost unheard of for me.

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been having trouble falling asleep on thursday nights.

i can't believe it's already almost october. it seems like the older i get, the quicker the years go by. if you graphed amount of time a year feels like vs. years alive, it would probably resemble the graph of 1/x. okay, that's an exaggeration and probably completely wrong, but still.

when i think of october, i think of hayrides, apple cider, the sound of freshly fallen leaves beneath my feet... and strangely enough, romance.

why weren't p. diddy and eminem allowed onto the bus? they didn't bring 50 cent.

i once gave a speech where i quoted louis pasteur, saying "my strength lies solely in my tenacity"... sometimes i think i confuse tenacity with not knowing when to let go.

in the newest version of google earth, you can change the view to see the night sky from your current location. there's something about seeing a picture of the sky and zooming in on a galaxy that says, "here it is: the future."

it's been rainy lately, it's been a nice change of pace. while rain can be disruptive and destructive for some, it can be refreshing and revitalizing for others. when i think of rain, i think of new beginnings. also, wetness.

well, this has been another edition of random midnight thoughts. thanks for watching, goodnight. *cue national anthem*

when your mind's made up

2007-09-14T16:17:09Z

it seemed like fall arrived without notice a week ago. since then it must have figured out it was early and decided to lay low until it was time for its yearly debut. i always get really eager this time of year. fall is a very comfortable season for me... hooded sweatshirts, hot chocolate, brisk weather. it's a season that makes me feel alive.

hmm... speaking of being alive, i guess i've let this lj kind of die over the past few months. why haven't i written? i guess that's a question for you psychology majors out there to answer.

what have i done since my last update? well, i travelled a bit. new york, indianapolis, and toronto. the trips were all great in their own ways, though i do have one regret as far as my travels go: in toronto, some vegan homeless guy asked if we would go buy him a meal... instead, i gave him cash. it was the perfect opportunity to get to know someone new, and i let it pass right by me. i'm not one to live in regret, but it's smaller things like that that bum me out.

aside from my travels, i've been fairly involved in work. things there are going well... though occasionally some inner ethical concerns make me wonder if i'm cut out for the job. i mean, it's not like i'm killing kids, but sometimes i feel like i'm consciously working directly against my ideals. still, i suppose inner-conflict is good for the spirit.

in entertainment news, i saw quite a few good films the past several months. among them, i recommend sicko, hairspray, mr. bean's holiday, stardust, and once. ooh, also, i saw damien rice in concert. good stuff.

hmm, what else? i'm in desperate need of a moment of clarity. don't get me wrong, life is good, i'm happy... but somehow i feel like its time for a realization. haven't had one of those in awhile.

i'm occasionally hit with these waves of feeling like i'm letting everyone down. but when these waves come, i don't tend to struggle for breath... i just embrace the feeling and let myself drown. [how's that for emo?] i guess it's sometimes easier to just do the wrong thing and not think about it than to do the right thing and face the consequences. and i suppose i'm the kind of person that takes the easy way out.

but, now it's clearly getting late and when i read this in the morning, i'm going to be wondering what the hell i was talking about. still, i think it's good to just sit down and write every now and then, without reservation.

hmm, maybe that's why i haven't updated in awhile, i got in the habit of holding back in other areas of my life, so i held back from writing here as well. but, i should know by now that if you silence yourself for too long, you forget how to speak.

and on that note, i'm going to sleep.

but the search ends here

2007-05-04T14:07:47Z

wow, i totally missed the month of april on this thing. so what's new since march 20th? let's think.

well, for one, i got my new car... meant to take pictures and post them, but i never got around to it. i did manage to find a picture on google:

i bought the car without ever seeing, sitting in, or driving it. in fact, i probably would have never heard of the car if not for an entry on kisrael.com. after reading the review and checking out specs online, i knew i'd love this car. and i do.

in other news, we moved to our new office at work... and to use the technical term, it's "bomb diggity". lots of plants, soft lighting, colorful walls.. and it's gonna look awesome in a couple weeks when we get the flatscreens. office aside, i'm quite satisfied with my job right now... it's like it was 3 years ago at gig, except this time there's actually concrete effects of me throwing myself into my work.

as for today, i'm heading to the airport around 4:30 to go to new york city. the last time i went there was on a high school jazz band trip 6 years ago. it was one of the best trips of my life, and it definitely captured that whole high school "i'm old enough to do things on my own but i don't really have any responsibilities" spirit. anyway, this trip will be a bit shorter... in fact it's really only one day there. but i'm excited, i like to travel.

ahh yeah, and how could i forget to post

That Personality Test :: Your Results
The latest personality test from ThatSurveySite... now featuring more and better questions than ever!

Emotional (47%)	[..........\|.........]	Logical (53%)
Concerned about self (36%)	[..........\|\|\|.......]	Concerned about others (64%)
Atheist (76%)	[.....\|\|\|\|\|..........]	Religious (24%)
Loner (58%)	[........\|\|..........]	Dependent (42%)
Laid-back (63%)	[.......\|\|\|..........]	Driven (37%)
Traditional (49%)	[....................]	Rebel (51%)
Impetuous (31%)	[..........\|\|\|\|......]	Organized (69%)
Engineering mind (34%)	[..........\|\|\|.......]	Artistic mind (66%)
Cynical (40%)	[..........\|\|........]	Idealist (60%)
Follower (41%)	[..........\|\|........]	Leader (59%)
Introverted (42%)	[..........\|\|........]	Extroverted (58%)
Conservative (50%)	[....................]	Liberal (50%)
Logical (14%)	[..........\|\|\|\|\|\|\|...]	Romantic (86%)
Uninterested (60%)	[........\|\|..........]	Sexual (40%)
Insecure (32%)	[..........\|\|\|\|......]	Confident (68%)
Selective (30%)	[..........\|\|\|\|......]	Tolerant (70%)
Pessimistic (32%)	[..........\|\|\|\|......]	Optimistic (68%)
Principled (67%)	[.......\|\|\|..........]	Pragmatic (33%)
Tolerant (49%)	[....................]	Opinionated (51%)
(20%)	[..........\|\|\|\|\|\|....]	Elitist (80%)

Take the test!

.

anything else from the past month? ohh yeah! how could i forget, i got avril's new album... definitely a guilty pleasure. the cd consists mostly of pop songs that are so bad they're good. so pretty much like a lot of other music i like :D there are a few really good songs/lyrics though, like this one:
"All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul."

and with that, i'm out.. lots to do before my plane takes off.

"If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago."

when i go to sleep for good, will i be forgiven?

2007-03-21T02:39:58Z

so livejournal, it's been awhile.

i've been working a lot lately and putting a lot of myself into this new company. i think my grand total for the past two weeks is 112 hours. it's exciting to get deals and feel like we're accomplishing something... but at the same time, it makes me a bit anxious. not to mention i feel like i'm becoming estranged from my friends since i barely see anyone outside of work. hopefully things will calm down a bit and i'll be able to find a happy medium between doing what i need to for work and having a social life.

on a brighter note, i put in my purchase order for a new car a couple of weeks ago. it'll be a while until they actually get my car in, but once they do i'll be cruisin around in a car that actually has functioning windows! plus it looks awesome (to no one but me). i'll post pics once i get it.

in movie news, i saw 300 and wild hogs last week... 300 was good but a little bloody for me, and wild hogs was really silly but surprisingly entertaining. upcoming movies i'll probably see: the last mimzy, reign over me, tmnt.

wow, other than that there's no too much news in my life... i may be going to seattle to meet a client for work, which could be really cool. it supposedly rains often there, which sounds nice. i'm a big fan of dreary days... plus i've had this desire to travel lately, so it's nice to have an excuse to do so.

hmm... i got a taste of it tonight, but i'm hungry for some real conversation. i've realized that in the past few months, i've talked a lot... but i haven't really said anything.

time is contagious, everybody's getting old

2007-01-08T04:40:10Z

i think i'm long overdue for an update on this thing... in fact, this is my first entry of the year.

i feel like i'm actually entering adulthood. i wake up each morning, go to work for 8-10 hours, and then go home, and i usually stay there. i'm only 22, but i'm getting old... i can feel it in my bones.

speaking of feelings, one of the best feelings in the world is when you lay down to sleep, and you think to yourself, "Today was a good day."

moving along, it's been a good year so far... i've started up at a new job that i actually like, i spend my weekends with people whose company i very much so enjoy, and to top that all off, i just got back from a fantastic vacation to las vegas.

my dad's been wanting to take me to vegas for a long long time... he'd always say, "when you're 21, you're coming!", and once i was 21, i told him i'd go once i got out of school... so i went. it was definitely an experience, i'll say that much. overall, it wasn't quite my kind of place in that it was busy and loud, with lots of tourists; i prefer quieter settings in general. however, the shows i went to were great, and it was just nice to do something with my dad again. i feel like i don't show him how much i care as often as i should... i love my dad, i love my family. blood is thicker than water, you know.

i'll stop there before i get too sappy... but, in case anyone wants to see pictures, they're here: http://picasaweb.google.com/therosser

all that aside, there are a lot of movies i want to see that are coming out very soon! ghost rider, the number 23, 300, the last mimzy... i think there are more but i can't quite remember them right now.

hmm, i just realized it's officially valentine's day. this day makes me think of you.

speaking of thinking, the thought just popped into my head that i'm probably at least 25% done with my life.

i often see people upset, or in bad moods, and sure, i waver every now and then... but what's the point in living life in despair? a life you don't love is a life not worth living.

one last random thought before i go: one of my favorite things in life is the unexpected recollection of a forgotten memory. sometimes, you'll just be walking down the street, and you'll see something, hear something, smell something... and BAM! you remember a long-gone experience, and for just a moment, you're taken back to that time, and the feelings you felt then surge through you. and when that moment's over, you snap back into reality and the colorful memory fades to gray, waiting to be remembered once again.

that's all i have to say for now, it's time to lay down to sleep.

Today was a good day.

time to nix 2006

2006-12-31T17:08:50Z

and so begins another end.

after re-reading my entries from the past 12 months, i realized that a lot more has happened this year than i thought. and right now, i'm in an overall much less stable place than i was a year ago... but not in a bad way. i'll just say that this is not where i thought i'd be five years ago, but i'm in no way disappointed.

but, moving on. what's happened this year? well, for one, joe left and i've seen him probably 3 times this year. we have frequent phone conversations though, and i'm glad we're keeping in touch despite the distance.

as for my lovelife, i had various "almost" developments there, but i went the whole year without being in a relationship. the last time that happened was way back in 1999.. but i'm pretty happy with the single life and i don't think i'll pursue anything in the near future unless i really meet the right person.

what else? my dad turned 60. both of my parents are pretty sick right now, it's the first time in as long as i can remember that they've both been sick at the same time. i know they're not going to be around forever, but that really hit me this year.

oh, and of course i finished school. looking back on past entries, i realize now that school was never as dreadful as i considered it at times. still, it feels good to be done... yet it's somewhat unsettling not knowing where my life is going.

in last year's "year in review" entry, i talked about my job, and how i found a job that i loved... that all fell apart this year when all of my coworkers were fired. at that point, the job became a paycheck and not much more... and i've almost forgotten what it feels like to actually want to go to work. but, i've put in my two weeks notice there and will move on to bigger and better things.

all of that said, here are some highlights of '06:

i've added the following to the list of shows i watch regularly: the 4400, justice league, the office.

i went on a kickass road trip to the icy north... okay, it wasn't that icy. but it was still kickass.

i switched from a standard toothbrush to an electric one... and my life will never be the same.

moving on from the "happy holidays" trend of last year, this year's catch phrases include "i don't speak english", "both" (when answering any question), "false.", and various internet abbreviations (WTF, OMG, etc).

i went the whole year without drinking soda (or 'pop' if you will). as for next year, i think i may go without candy... but i am a certified candy-holic so who knows if that will last.

i found a solution to my insomnia problems... i couldn't sleep so i was watching infomercials, and i ended up buying this dumb "health secrets" book from one of them. anyway, the book suggested a simple solution of counting down from 100 to fall asleep. and it works like a charm!

i recorded my first boy band single with matt at cedar point. what's that, you say? you haven't heard it? well check it out here.

i don't have time this year for the annual movie-and-music lists... but my favorite movies this year (that i can think of atm) were: Superman Returns, The Prestige, Little Miss Sunshine, The Fountain, The Pursuit of Happyness, Eragon, POTC2, The Devil Wears Prada, Clerks II, SoaP, The Lake House, Night at the Museum. i'm sure there are more, but that's all for now.

although i didn't post in my LJ too much, here are a few key points i'd like to remember:

February 6 - "in my opinion the only thing that topped [frito pie] at EHS was the world-famous fiestada pizza. mmm... i swear, if someone can get me one of those things i would be able to die a happy man... they could even bury me in a hexagonal casket."

May 5 - "and then there are the images, pictures of things in my mind that probably weren't as good as i remember, yet i can see them so vividly: cramming in a car to go to drive-in movies, covered in bugspray and armed with snacks; wandering around amusement parks dripping wet from water rides; grabbing an elephant ear and some cotton candy at the local fair; seeing a movie on a weeknight and leaving the theater to meet the warm night air... these are the things i hope to do every summer; sometimes i do, sometimes i don't... but this year i'm hoping extra hard."

August 18 - "but i suppose every summer is good in its own right. as a whole, for me, summer is a time of change. it seems like these are the three months of the year where a lot of my interpersonal relationships change and restructure themselves... and i never end up where i started."

September 21 - "do you ever have a day where you fall in love with everyone you see? you see someone and imagine what your life would be like if they were in it? and i'm not talking about in a creepy myspace kind of way. like, you see a person and think, 'i know nothing about this person walking past me.... but what if i did?'"

October 3 - "sometimes when you win, you lose." [okay that's totally from What Dreams May Come, but it's a good quote (and a good movie!)]

and what "year in review" entry would be complete without:

January 10, 2006 The last picture of Joe and Larry before Joe's departure for his Navy journey.
	February 17, 2006 My emo-est days.
March 29, 2006 A classic tiny shot of Steve at our Spring semester apartment.
	April 30, 2006 My dad at the Grand Canyon... he went with my mom as an early anniversary trip.
May 5, 2006 This was the final picture I took at our Spring semester apartment... it became my facebook picture for awhile after that.
	June 19, 2006 I didn't actually take this picture, but I found it online while at work in June... is it just me or does the guy in a headlock resemble Larry??
July 29, 2006 Brian on the balcony looking out at the Toronto suburbs... if you look closely you can see the CN tower in the distance.
	August 30, 2006 Not too much of a story here... It's just Steve in the new apartment. This is actually the only picture I have from August.
September 11, 2006 The rockin' tat I got at Cedar Point... I'm still considering getting this done for real =D
	October 31, 2006 Halloween '06. Mrs. Doubtfire. 'Nuff said.
November 23, 2006 My whole family comes to my house on Thanksgiving. This is my brother-in-law and my cousin's son (who's trying his luck at the 4x4 Rubik's cube).
	December 24, 2006 Myself and my grandmothers on Christmas Eve.

and that wraps up another year. i hope it was a good one for everyone out there in internet-land... and i hope that next year's even better.

goodbye, 2006. i'll see you in another lifetime.

and the phantoms of the night will fade into the past

2006-11-10T15:36:36Z

just came back from a nice evening out complete with superheroes and BTTF.

it's been nearly two months since i've last written here... and it's not because nothing's going on, but maybe because i've been more into communicating in person rather than on this computer. nonetheless, hold on tight, this will likely be a long one.

but life has been good. i'm finishing up my final semester of college, just one week of classes left. i'll be moving back home in a couple weeks and i'll be living there for at least five months or so. my parents seem to be more than happy to have me living there for awhile, and i think it will be nice as well. i've always gotten along well with my family, especially the past few years or so.

and then after that i may be moving out of euclid (gasp!). but i'll talk more about that if/when the time comes.

people keep asking if i'm ready for "the real world".. and i don't quite know how to respond. i was watching a dvd of this musical called "pippin" (it's in my top 3 faves) and there's this line in one of the songs: "i believe if i refuse to grow old, i can stay young til i die." and i guess i feel that way. i just want to live life to the fullest, and i know that means something different for each person. but for me, that means i don't want a stressful job, i want to be able to enjoy life without needing a lot of money or material goods.. i think it just comes down to good company.

switching gears, do you ever just feel like you've been hit with a blast from the past? (no, not the movie with brendan frasier.) i know that's vague, but let me put it this way: have you ever had to put something behind you in life, and then when you've done such a good job that you never even think twice about it, it suddenly comes back to you at the most unexpected time? well, obviously that's happened for me, or i wouldn't have brought it up. but i'm not giving you any more than that, livejournal. work with what you've got.

christmas music has started playing twenty four hours on the radio... and some people really don't like holiday songs, but i certainly do. the holidays are supposed to be a happy time of goodwill and whatnot. but these days it seems like it's more about stressing out and having to shop and commercialism and such. i wish we could just get back to basics. i wish everyone would just do something nice for a stranger, just once for the holidays. the world would be a better place.

and now, for my top 5 songs of the moment:
1. avril lavigne - keep holding on (if you only download one avril song this year... well this month, get this one)
2. damien rice - coconut skins (his whole new album is good, get it.)
3. stars - one more night
4. clap your hands say yeah - over and over again
5. the killers - my list

i saw "the fountain" the other day... it's a really weird movie, and i had no idea what it was going to be about when i went into it, and frankly, i'm still not entirely sure what it was about. but, it's certainly unusual, and i'm glad i saw it. go see it if you're in the mood to be somewhat confused.

speaking of movies, here are three movies i love to watch at this time of year:
1. the family man
2. love actually
3. the christmas toy

anyone have any that they like to watch around now? hmm, that reminds me, i want to see "the holiday".

-------------------------

if someone told you to paint a picture of your life, what would you paint? i have a feeling that a picture like that could really say a lot about what's important to you and what's not. what about painting a picture of your life ten years from now? i think i'd draw myself, a wife, three or four kids, and a cat.

that's it for now. this is ross, signing off... i hope to be back soon.

therosser @ 2006-10-04T01:51:00

2006-10-04T05:51:53Z

if you're scared don't show it

2006-10-04T04:16:00Z

so friday was a bad day. it's the first bad day i've had in a very long time. i never realized how attached i was to the people at work until they were laid off. i went to the bar and met up with the guys after the big "announcement". i couldn't stay long, i got too upset... as i walked down the street, i wiped a tear from my cheek and started dialing you. maybe i'm glad you didn't answer, i don't know what i would have said anyway. but that thought made me realize that i really don't feel like i have anyone to talk to... and that's my own damn fault. i tend to push people away, or if nothing else make no effort to stay in contact with them. and why? maybe i fear getting too close, i dunno. maybe i think if i open up to someone, they may not reciprocate and i'll feel foolish.

see, i can be irrational too.

it feels like i've been dumped by my first love all over again. i keep seeing things that make me think of people at work. and i feel as though right now my spirit is broken. and i feel these thoughts i that i thought had died a long time ago.

--------------------------------------------------

^-- written on Sunday. as for now (Tuesday), i'm still upset... it's making it hard to keep working, and i'll be honest: i'm not putting a whole lot of effort into my job right now. my initial response whenever something really upsets me is to shut myself down, turn myself completely off to that person/thing. that's why i failed at maintaining so many of my high school friendships.. it hurt to say goodbye and i never wanted to say it again, so i just cut them off. i feel like that was wrong but i don't really think i can fix it now. this all leads to another complex of me worrying i'll hurt/abandon people, so i won't get close to them at all. it's an awful cycle but i don't know what to do to break out of it. "i want to be new again"

sometimes when you win, you lose.

don't give up hope, some people change

2006-08-18T06:21:22Z

it's been too long, lj. it's been way too long.

so i'm now in my fourth week of the semester, and so far i'm getting through it. i have a fairly busy schedule, but my saving grace is that i only have to do this until december and then i am home free. though now that i think about it, i really don't know what i'm going to do after i'm done. but that's another story. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever know what i want.. in life, in love, in general.

it rained here the other day, and as i walked in the rain, i remembered brian calling me a couple years ago and leaving a voicemail about how weird umbrellas are. and sure, they're weird. but more importantly, how are you bri? we should get together sometime soon.. we could each drive two hours and meet halfway at wayne national forest, maybe stop at a waffle house and then feel uncomfortable and leave?

i have lost touch with so many friends already this year. it's wacky, and i know i'm largely responsible in some cases. and it's not that i don't care about certain people, or that i completely forgot them... but it gets to this weird place, where you haven't talked to someone in so long that you don't know how they might respond to you calling them. it's like a cycle of awkwardness.

anyway, on a completely different note. do you ever have a day where you fall in love with everyone you see? you see someone and imagine what your life would be like if they were in it? and i'm not talking about in a creepy myspace kind of way. like, you see a person and think, 'i know nothing about this person walking past me.... but what if i did?'

okay, so maybe i'm not making much sense, and maybe it's too late for me to be writing. but a somewhat nonsensical latenight entry is better than none at all, eh?

--------------------------------

so i copied this quote down as the sole contents of a private entry a month ago:
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."

i really don't know where i heard it now, so i should have written it down. but it's rather corny.

--------------------------------

so i was in the mood for some thought-provoking questions... so i took a survey:

*Thought Provoking Questions*
Do you squeeze the toothpaste tube or roll it?::	squeeze most of the time, but i roll sometimes to switch it up
What's the advantage of your method?::	faster?
What do you do if you can't sleep at night?::	put on a sleep mask and count backwards from 100
Have you ever helped a total stranger? If so, how?::	yes, i tend to give people money if they ask for it
Have you ever had a premonition that actually came true?::	i had a feeling you'd ask that...
What's the worst tasting thing you've ever eaten?::	a portabello mushroom sandwich
In what situations are you most likely to procrastinate?::	when it comes to taking care of my car
What's the wackiest belief you held as a child?::	that barbara walters and barbara streisand were the same person
What do you take for granted the most?::	my friends, sadly
Wha's better, your short term or long term memory?::	both are good, probably short term
If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do?::	i honestly don't know
What song do you want played at your funeral?::	the muppets - saying goodbye
What positives if any have resulted from the bad experiences in your life?::	i learned from my mistakes... a lot of times bad experiences put things in perspective
If God were to wipe out all evil what would that do to our population?::	well, i don't really believe in god... but i'll go with it; the population would stay the same, people would just stop being jerks
When you're at home do you wear shoes, socks, slippers, or go barefoot?::	socks
How often do you doodle? What do your doodles usually look like?::	almost any time i'm in class. they're usually weird looking creatures or unusual scenes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you sing?::	6... i can sing in tune, but i'm no sinatra
How good are you at multitasking? Give an example?::	not too shabby, i've been known to use three limbs at once
When you have nothing pressing, where does your mind drift?::	i'm not really sure, i don't pay too much attention
Who has made the biggest impact on you? Explain.::	my parents, they raised me
How has your birth order affected you?::	i'm the youngest child, i think it made me a bit spoiled but also a bit empathetic
Which is worse - an innocent person imprisoned or a guilty one set free?::	innocent person imprisoned
How well do you receive criticism from others?::	it depends, but generally open-mindedly, unless it's specifically about my character
How convinced are you that the sun will rise tomorrow?::	fairly convinced, but not certain
What makes you so sure?::	nothing, i said i'm not sure
What do you do when a homeless person asks you for money?::	i usually give him/her money
How do you feel afterward?::	hopeful that they feel a little bit better
How sensitive a person are you? Explain.::	it depends on the situation i guess. i feel sensitive but i don't always come off that way (especially in relationships)
If God can do anything, can he make a rock so heavy he cannot lift it?::	okay, done with god questions
Can Hell, God's justice, and God's love all be real at the same time?::	see above
What's one fashion trend that you hope never comes back?::	powdered wigs... haha, j/k that'd be totally awesome
What sound drives you crazy?::	alarm clocks beeping, high pitched noises
What sound lulls you to sleep?::	raindrops, clocks ticking, footsteps
Whom do you run to when something bad happens in your life?::	my dad
Have you dreamed of flying, falling, or running? Describe.::	i dreamt i was running a couple weeks ago, i was a super hero
What superpower would you want to have, and why?::	invulnerability because i could become a fearless cop with a rockin' stache
Why do you think divorce is so prevalent?::	people feel pressure to be in relationships, to find love... they settle and jump in too fast and then realize it's not what they wanted
When is it appropriate to resort to making a threat?::	ehh i dunno, i don't really make threats
What brings out your pessimistic side?::	not much, so i have no idea
Whom have you lost touch with but still wonder about?::	my close friends who've gone away to college
Is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?::	loved and lost
Do you tend to save everything or toss everything? Explain.::	i tend to save things that mean something to me sentimentally, otherwise i'll toss it
When do you most feel like a slave to time?::	when i have my entire day planned out and have to schedule 'time off'
Do you tend to leave & resolve and argument later or settle it right then?::	it depends on the argument, i suppose... in general i don't have them
What's the worst movie you've ever seen and who did you see it with?::	daredevil, i think with michelle connavino
Take this survey

that's all i have for now, party on dudes.

lies will lock you up, with truth the only key.

somewhere love and justice shine

2006-08-17T03:48:12Z

it's been a fun past couple of weeks. went to dave & busters, saw a couple movies, celebrated my dad's 60th, went to a reunion.

the reunion was nice. it's nice to reconnect with your past every now and then.

i saw snakes on a plane tonight with the work crew + bri-guy. fantastic film. beforehand i went out with smith and matt to search for snakes to throw at the crowd, but our search turned up empty. we did get some rubik's cubes and wonka bars, though.

i've fallen in love with isketch again. to quote my journal entry from 1/27/2003 "Well, I got this site via Kirk's, but it's HELLA awesome, so I couldn't pass up linking it". well, i can't pass up linking it again.

summer's winding down... t-minus two days before i move to the new apartment at school. i'm looking forward to being 'on my own' again.

i guess this would be a good time to reflect on the past few months. in short, this summer was great. every summer i always think "this summer was the best one yet"--even the summer i spent 6 days in the hospital. but i suppose every summer is good in its own right. as a whole, for me, summer is a time of change. it seems like these are the three months of the year where a lot of my interpersonal relationships change and restructure themselves... and i never end up where i started.

actually, i'm not sure why, but that reminds me of this part of Tom Robbin's Villa Incognito: "[W]hatever the terms upon which fortune is predicated--whether the storybook of our lives is authored by divine fate, pure chance, or force of will--it's obvious that one thing does lead, however circuitously, to another."

and in the narrative of my life, staying up too late leads to being tired and unfocused at work... so i'm going to hit the bricks.

[p.s. i haven't forgotten you...]

and it breaks my heart

2006-08-04T04:48:58Z

what exactly is it that i love about you? i find myself wondering if it's you i love or just the idea of you... and i can't help but feel that i'm only seeing what i want to see with you, that i'm ignoring anything bad.

actually, now that i think about it, i used to really dislike you. and i didn't even have a good reason. i mean, i suppose i don't have a good reason for liking you now, but that just makes me wonder if i'm deceiving myself here.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is that i'm nervous. i don't know if we're a good fit... and to top that off, i'm not sure my parents would approve. i worry about what they'll think if i leave them for you.

and that's what leaves me in the state of limbo. i don't want to settle, and i really think i want you... but i'm just not ready right now, not ready for that kind of commitment.

i wonder if i'll ever be.

i'm a float in a summer parade

2006-07-30T14:40:57Z

i'm in canada, and it rocks.

i'm sitting here in our hotel (quite nice i might add). larry and brian are sleeping away, ashley's reading a book, and i'm on my computer checking livejournal entries and writing my own. so it's pretty much just like any other day, except for the surroundings.

we left the E-U-C around 11 on friday after getting breakfast at maria's. about 6 hours later, we arrived in toronto [during rush hour, i might add]. i will say for the record that my first ever game of car bingo was much more fun than expected -- though brian took first prize. it really helped to pass the time. surprisingly, all three of us who were playing didn't see a cat or a sheep on our way up.

anyway, i digress. so friday night we hit up the town.. err, well, we went bowling. we have at least 2 bowling alleys relatively close-by in ohio, yet we haven't thought about going bowling there since probably 2001.

then yesterday we hit up downtown, went shopping and such. i basically fell in love with every canadian person i met, just because of the accent.. including this 28 year old girl at sears who was demonstrating the "new & improved quick chopper". she was italian, loved cats, and made a mean salsa. and long story short, i now own a new & improved quick chopper.

after that we were walking around downtown, and i saw this kind of disheveled looking guy holding a cup... so i went up to him to give him some change, and then i saw his cup had coffee in it. so i said, "uhh, did you want some change??" and he was like, "sure!" so i gave him a two-dollar coin. and then he hugged me, and i told him to have a nice day.

we took a cab back to the hotel and talked with a very nice driver who had lived in toronto for 30 years. he seemed to like it, and he was telling us about all the new projects being developed in the city. he also encouraged us to visit the club district.. but we decided against it.

so then last night bri, ash, and i got pizza (from pizzanova) and chinese food for dinner and just slothed around a bit at the hotel while larry worked out and got some australian lamb from the restaurant downstairs.

around 9 we headed downtown again to catch the weakerthans at the harbourfront center. it was a great show, they played like 7 encores. after that, we went down to the harbour and just hung out for awhile. it was quite peaceful... until some ungodly bug landed on my shirt and i jumped around and screamed in front of a crowd of people.

anyway, i guess i really didn't mean to type so much, i just got carried away. but today we're going to go shop a bit more, maybe closer to the hotel this time. and then we're going to dress up for dinner and see the second city show here. we're not sure what tomorrow will hold, though we'll probably depart by 10 or 11. man, that's sad.

i'm in canada, and i don't want to leave.